- Girl (last night after FiveTen pulled me away): I'm sorry I didn't get to say goodbye, I hope you have a spelndid night. But I have to see you again. Let me know when. Please
- Me (9: 07am): Hey ___ :) i wish id gotten to say bye as well... I stepped over a huge boundary with the guy I'm seeing though; its totally my fault, but i also dont want there to be drama so i think it would be better if we held off on going out for coffee. I wish thiNgs were different, especially since youre not only really smart (chem degree... Jesus. And I thought molecular bio was hard) but youre interesting and gorgeous. Im sorry im putting this on hold... this is one of those shitty cases where it really is me, and not you.
- Girl (2: 12pm): Well, crap. That sounds like it sucks for everybody. I do avoid drama like the plague though, especially causing it- so I understand and agree that you have to respect whatever boundaries you agreed on with your partner. I just wish it was different! Still, very very nice meeting you. And I'm not usually this forward, but you are different. So when the day comes, if it comes, you just let me know and we'll get that coffee. I'll be around :)
Last night, in the middle of the dance-floor at a party, FiveTen told me he loved me.
He hasn’t said that to anyone in a very long time; we had a long discussion about not abusing the phrase and what it means that we’re saying it to one another.
And then this girl caught my eye.
She even came over and asked me my name and number.
When another girl said I was pretty, she said, “Back off, she’s mine”.
This gorgeous girl.
She wanted to talk to me.
She got her degree in Chemistry.
She wanted to go out for coffee.
And then FiveTen got upset.
Rightfully so… I was flirting with her in his house, but I also didn’t know what to do. I don’t usually get to meet gorgeous girls who are smart, witty, and into girls, so I was more taken aback. The last time I was so awkward was with the girl who I was casually seeing a few months ago. I wanted to see FiveTen because I could just feel his anger, but I couldn’t pull away from her until he physically did it for me.
And then he told me he didn’t want me to see her. Not even for coffee on my own time. He said that me flirting with her made him feel inadequate because she seemed to give me something he couldn’t.
He and I do have something special— there’s an understanding between us mentally and physically; something I’ve never had with anyone before. But I wish he’d understand that my interest in this girl is because she does have something that he doesn’t. That’s why I’m interested. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care for him just as much— that wouldn’t necessarily change.
In fact, I could very well have a little fun fling with her, then realize she wasn’t as good as him. That’s pretty much what’s happened with all of the guys I was seeing once I started seeing FiveTen again. It’s definitely not out of the ordinary for me.
But to be forbidden essentially because I know this means something to him— her and me is a threat to him— this hurts. This really hurts.
So here’s the update in my life:
-FiveTen and I discussed me getting a sugar daddy… he said if he found out I was going about getting money that way, we would be over. So, nothing different than what I expected; I just have to keep my lives separated. C’est la vie.
-I met with a sugar named Victor; married, 40… we went out to dinner at a wonderful restaurant just outside of town and talked for hours. HOURS. About our backgrounds, my violin playing, his photography, the meaning of the universe, evolution, NPR, history (Roman and US History)… etc. It was amazing and I thought we totally connected. Then he disappeared. I tried texting a few times and calling once over the next week and a half, but no response. So I guess he’s out of the picture.
-I met with another sugar, also named Victor. Not married, 40 as well.
We met over coffee at some obscure little coffee shop in the next town over; the conversation was pleasant enough, but I had to leave after about an hour and a half just because I was getting a headache just trying to understand his accent. We decided on $800/mo for 1 visit/week… I’m not sure if I want to continue with him though. We went out to dinner this past Friday, and again I made the choice to leave early since 1) I’d just had an overnight shift the night before and 2) again, his accent was killing me. Just as I was giving him a hug goodbye before going to my car, he held onto me a little tighter and asked me to stay another hour. I said no, I couldn’t, I was really tired, but he wouldn’t let go… he wasn’t holding me tightly and I could have pushed, but he was certainly holding me more rigid than I would’ve liked to have been held, especially then. And he constantly texts me asking how I am, what I’m doing, if he can visit my lab on campus…
It’s creeping me out. Not even my primary texts me as much as this guy.
3) I saw my current sugar (A) last week as well; we went to yoga for an hour (he bought me some awesome yoga pants too) and a dinner-movie. We talked about the sex thing and he actually said that we didn’t need to have sex every time we met… that was a huge shock for me. Though, I’m pretty sure he gave me less $ since we didn’t have sex. We’re supposed to meet up tonight for a bit; I’ll probably just suck it up and we’ll get randy or something.
4) Speaking of the lab position: I ended up taking it :)
I started work on Saturday and have been in the lab for the past few days. In fact, I’m typing this up before I go in to work.
5) Random fact: Apparently my body has a weird metabolism when it comes to drugs. I took 3 tabs of acid on New Year’s Eve, and while the other people who took 1 tab from the same sheet were tripping balls, I was barely feeling it (I’ve also had weak responses to cocaine and molly). Still a fun night, but apparently if I want to do drugs for funsies, I need to go hardcore.
And that’s the basic update. I’ll try to be better about this in the future.
Last night was my first date from Seeking Arrangement.
We met at a bar near his place, but quickly moved our meeting to his house. I said yes because I figured it would be a quick meet. Plus, he admitted at the bar that he preferred smoking [marijuana] over drinking, so I thought we could talk details over a bowl.
Well, fuck me. Figuratively and literally.
A POT wants to fly me out to NY for a few days but I haven’t decided if it’s worth my time or not. Are there not enough sugar babies in NY?? Also haven’t thought of a good excuse to tell my parents and bf about my absence… HMM.
RIGHT?! I live in California and SO many NY SD’s (and a few SM’s!) have winked and messaged me… I would love to go to the big city, but I can’t think of a good enough excuse for why I have to leave town twice a month for 3-day weekends, to NY.
I guess I could hide it (my primary doesn’t need to know where I’m going), but if he ever found out, I’d be so fucked.
As for the SA members who messaged/ winked at me from outside of the States… there’s no way for me to make an arrangement there. Flattering, but impossible.
Dating people that you actually care about makes things significantly harder while playing in the sugar bowl.
my supervisor at the drug treatment center
TRUTH. I see this with our clients and their children, from lashing-out behaviors to depressive episodes— that’s when people really need to know that someone out there cares.